Basically, I'm not managing. I'm so freaking irritated right now at the whole of humanity from TV show writers, to people who just want to chit chat with me, to things that smell funny. It's not a swing. I don't feel ups and downs, crys and giddies. Just a touch of paranoid anxiety and unbelievable annoyance at every single thing I encounter. Right at this instant I'm glaring at a gift certificate stuck in my keyboard because their website is glitchy and doesn't have the perfect place available for me to pick.

If someone tries to tell me I'm wrong today, I just want to rub their faces in their own wrongness and scream "Suck It! I'm right and you're not!" This totally isn't me. This is an alien taking over my body. Pod people. Fucking hormones.

You know, I'm getting to the point where I'm happy I don't have kids. If menopause will kill these fucking mood swings, sign me up! Hot flashes be damned. This is all somehow so much worse without the rose colored glasses of the teenage years. When you I didn't care who I was hurting with my unjustifiable behavior because in my mind I was justified and it was fair to be a bitch. Now. Now I put my job and relationships in danger because I can't keep my emotions from playing out across my forehead like a marquee sign. I swear I tried so hard not to look at people, to just keep facing down because I knew my "You're so stupid" thoughts were telegraphing like I was Jean Grey on crack.

I just want to let it go. I want it to not be this raging green knot inside of me. And yes, I watched both Green Lantern and Avengers this week. My green energy is not willpower, it's pure rage. I should just wear green tomorrow. OH... Tomorrow! I'm working with Kay. I'm going to make her cry. OH God! I don't want to make her cry. *head desk*

Can I call in sick? Think Linds would let me go home early before I have a chance to destroy anyone? I could bribe her with an extra long lunch. This is going to suck.

Now I know not everyone on my FL is a fan, so I won't go into fangirl hysterics. I do, however, think StageIt is a neat idea for some artists to connect with their fans and to gain a following from more than just their local area. I took a few screen caps during tonight's concert. The shows are done with just a webcam pretty much so the quality to begin with isn't good. I took a few of my favorites and played around in Picasa 3 since it's new on my computer and does neat things. I am by no means a graphic artist, I just do this for my own enjoyment. I did however get a few shots that I wanted to share. I put them behind the cut for the non-fans.

( To the screen caps!! )

Actually, it's just Iowa. I am scared of my power bill later this summer if it is still this hot this late at night. I guess we won't be doing the every other summer for the big downstairs air conditioner thing. Parking next to it today, I couldn't help but think we should be putting it in next month instead of waiting until July. I'm going to try and hold off until after Memorial Day.

I really need to make a decision. I gave myself a deadline, and I'm very close to it now. The problem is, I haven't got any better grasp on my money than I did before Christmas. That's a lame excuse. The money's fine, but I'm scared to go without my measly paycheck. I need to save my ass off for two weeks so I have a stash that makes me feel like I could go without for little while. Hrm... scared. Still confused.

Tonia says I need to think outside the store, like think outside retail. She also says that if I'm going to not think outside retail I should hit up hobby lobby where they start folks at $3 more an hour. I'm pretty sure I could put that money right back in their till if I worked there. :) At least at McG's they don't pay me enough to buy their merchandise. Hobby Lobby's a different kettle of fish. Mmmmm fish. I'm craving Omega 3's. Tis about that time of the month.

I need to make a list of things to do before the Memorial Weekend party. A list will keep me from freaking out, give Travis an idea of where he can help out, and maybe motivate me to get some of this stuff done before the big day. As it stands we've got a couple plans on the day before, and so I can't keep saying, oh I'll do it on that day off, because that won't happen.

OH what did come in the mail today was this!



There was a whole bunch of them at this antique store in Omaha. I wasn't sure I could use them until I got home. Once home, I checked out my old console stereo, and sure enough, there is a place to hook them up. The store let me paypal a couple by email and they arrived today. The guy picked them out special for me. They're from Altoona, Iowa he said. The stamp on the top says South Ottumwa drive in. Either way they're from Iowa. He said there was no guarantee they'd work because they'd been in storage for 25 years. Yike! And I thought collectors *coughhoarderscough* only existed on tv! Anywho. They don't have the prongs connectors on the end, but Trav says not to worry. He also finally got excited about them when he discovered he could hang them on the inside of our dining room window. I thought they'd look cool to add a bit of music and ambiance hanging outside the same windows for parties. We'll see how it goes, or if they even work.

Writing goes slow. Nothing fit to be called wholly my own. But listening to Patricia Briggs talk about her process at the beginning of the month was inspiring. Lead me to believe that people who think and work like me could actually write whole books. It made it more than a dream. Also, this fiction book I'm reading right now is leading me to believe that it doesn't take much talent or plot at all to get a book published. :P I won't tell you what I'm reading because I promised I wouldn't trash it on the web because my friend knows the author. And I will say that it isn't like Jean Auel's last piece of unedited dog-shit, but... I've read better and been a part of writing much better.

I wish I could get more people interested in reading ALDE. Perhaps it is just so vivid in my own imagination because I'm invested and was raised on science fiction rather than urban fantasy. But it's a world. A world I want to explore, that contains a thousand stories, where anything is possible. A world I would feel guilty about calling my own. I can't bring myself to submit anything written there as my own. Too much of my friends are in it and what kind of person would I be to profit from other's creations? I just play in that sandbox, I didn't build it, put the sweat and tears into it, nourish it. Micheal did that. Alesia did that. Hal and Sue and I just paint inside the lines already drawn, making new creations of our colors, but always tethered to that first conception.

I'm waxing poetic again, aren't I? Well it's late. I'm hot. The high winds knocked down and killed my ancient box fan today. We are now down to one fan, and I would be an awful wife to steal that from the man trying to sleep in this heat. I best go to bed myself where I can share the fan. Perhaps I'll read more of that book that can't keep straight what story it wants to be and who's telling it. It would be fascinating if it were actual collected accounts of history, but it's a complete fabrication made to look like history, and it tries too hard. I'm not sure what the lesson is either. What am I supposed to take away? It is just life, illustrated. People have dreams, dreams turn into nightmares and life sucks. Then your children run in opposite directions and your grandchildren wish with all their hearts to run back to the original dream. Everyone ends up miserable. Yep. It's life. Not sure why I need to read about it.

With that note of uncommon cheer, I'm going to bed. Good night all.

Wednesday was awesome. Thursday was surprisingly good.

This morning I got up, did some housework and then got dressed early. I decided to trek downtown to Cottonwood Canyon Coffee shop. It was about as far away from me as Cabin Coffee, but the last few times I've been to Cabin Coffee, I've been disappointed by their espresso drinks. They roast their own coffee in a number of variety's and blends, and their brewed coffee is appropriately awesome. Espresso, not so much.

So I figured Cottonwood Canyon might be a better bet. Finding a parking space was a bit more difficult, but I walked in and checked out the menu. I decided to order a plain mocha for Tonia since the reason I was taking her one was for the chocolate. They had a thing on their menu called a ChinoLatino Mocha. It advertised a touch of cilantro and mexican chocolate. OMG. It was honestly the best mocha I'd ever had in my life!

It didn't taste anything like cilantro, but the chocolate was rustic and thick. At the bottom of the cup were the sandy dregs of what tasted like awesome cinnamonny Stone ground mexican chocolate from TAZA. I can't rave enough about this coffee. I'm thinking I want another one tonight, but I've got too much to do.

Anyway. Sometime after lunch, the flush of cheerful days and amazing coffee wore off. I just didn't want to listen to anyone talk. I didn't want to have to humor anyone... I just wanted to be left alone. No one left me alone.

Now, finally.. 3 hours later, I'm feeling better. I'm listening to a podfic by zuben_eschamali and that's actually doing a pretty good job of changing my mood. If only people would refrain from interrupting the story.

Yeah that was a couple weeks ago, but it's been a long month.  I can't even tell you how, but my life got so crazy busy in the weeks leading up to Easter. I think it was the extra stress I put myself to worrying about the end of work's fiscal year.  Then a vacation, holidays, and crazy amounts of people needing my time.  After The day visiting with my family and friends, I came back to my life feeling refreshed. I was happy, I was energetic. I hadn't quite gotten back to the gym and healthy eating, but I was better.

Then yesterday happened.  I was annoyed with the world before I even got to work. I felt like I was being bugged and poked, and herded from everyone from the cats to the internet.  FYI, if I feel like I'm being arbitrarily herded, I will put on my brakes. The Chinese zodiac may say I'm a Horse, but I really believe I'm a mule at heart.  

Work did not improve my day, and I'm afraid I tended to take it out on Kay. I didn't actually apologize, but we both kept taking silent breaks before coming back to stilted conversation which was my way of saying I'm not really mad at YOU and her way of saying she understood even if she didn't approve of my behavior.  At least that's how I interpreted it.  I'm pretty sure it's hormonal, but I tried a couple of different tactics to lessen the impact I had on others. 

I called Travis from work and told him I wasn't coming directly home.  I took my notebook to B&N, bought a cupcake with an half inch of chocolate frosting, shut my phone off and wrote. I wrote and wrote until the scene I'd been struggling with came together, the clerk took away my plate, and I had to pee.  It only too an hour, but I felt surprisingly more human after I got SOMETHING accomplished without being interrupted.

At home I ate baked cheese sticks and a huge bowl of steamed broccoli and cauliflower.  Since I had managed to do 2 loads of dishes and some pots & pans before breakfast Sunday morning, my half clean kitchen didn't stress me like it has over the last week.  So I brought my bowl up to the snuggle room and ate while I watched Gladiator on the TV and Travis played SWTOR.  

I took my pills this morning for the first time in more than a week. I took my magnesium since it is technically PMS time.  I've got my lunch packed, a load of dishes and a load of laundry done this morning before I let myself pour milk over my cereal.  I'm worried about today. I just have this feeling Karen's not going to be in a good mood, I know I left a lot of crap for the warehouse, and I have to work my last couple of hours with Nishi.  THEN I have to go to TV night at Tom's.

I love TV night with the girls. I love my shows.  Tom, however, was almost more than I could handle last week when I was still feeling good about life.  Kim giggles when I make faces at him behind his back, but that doesn't really help me at all.

So schedule: TV tonight, Tuesday is sewing with Kim after work late. Wednesday Joyce is showing up to work on my yard again, and I may be donating blood after a lunch date.  If Trav's home early enough, I think we'll go to Game of Thrones at Tom's before Game.  Thursday and Friday are currently plan free, but we may be heading to Hampton on Saturday. If we don't I'm super cleaning my house.

Three little words.  I remember the first time Travis said it to me.  I was teasing him with something, I can't even remember what now. Either holding it away, or pretending to be annoyed over some slight.  It was within the first two months that we'd met, and I don't think I could have been actually annoyed with him if I had even wanted to.  He whined out, "I love you!" Like a a plea to be forgiven.  I didn't acknowledge it then, but later when we were alone, I brought it up and we talked about it.  

Travis is surprisingly affectionate to me. It has never been a struggle to get him tell or show me how he cares.  Once we started saying it, admitting it outloud, we never stopped. We tell each other dozens of times a day that we love each other.  And in the absence of the actual words, we have a code unique to us.  He makes a kissy noise at me when he can't speak, usually when he's asleep.  If he walks past the door of the computer room on a trip to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I'll say 'I love you.' He'll make a kissy noise and not even open his eyes.  It's actually kind of cute.  When I'm half asleep, I sign at him.  I thumb point at my chest, make the letter L, and then gun-finger-point at him.  

The people at work always awe and kissy face noises at me when I talk to Trav and tell him I love him as a goodbye. And I listen how they don't tell their significant others that on the phone. We say it in lulls of conversation, sometimes in unison, when we leave, when we're reunited.  I've even yelled it in the style of "Fuck you" at him when I annoyed at not getting my way.  Sometimes I worry that the overuse of such a phrase could take away it's meaning, but you can't change the meaning of the words.

Have you ever examined the phrase?  Love is a verb. It is an action, a force, a movement.  What other verbs do we use in such a way?  Most activities are done <i>with</i> someone. I dance with you, I read with you, I eat with you, I speak with you, I walk with you.  Fewer are used without that modifier.  I push you, I want you, I move you, I see you, I feel you, I smell you, I hear you. They are things you do with your senses.  I love you. I actively use my mind and body to do this thing.  I don't just have love for you, I don't simply feel love for you, and I don't arbitrarily love with you. I love you.  

There's more to this I'm sure, but I've probably over shared as it is.  I didn't get written what I wanted written tonight, but I wrote. I'm tired, cold and achy. I'm going to call Travis and tell him I'm going to bed.  Even if he isn't home by the time I fall asleep, I know the last thing he will say to me is, I love you.

You know you want to read it!  Here is is!

Read all the adventures HERE at my travel blog.

I never remember the sky in Ohio or Tennesse.  I remember sun, trees & rain, but there was never so much sky as there is in Iowa.  I do remember driving a kid from San Francisco out to a gravel road where it was so dark we couldnt hardly see each other because he had never seen so many stars before.  It was the first time I didnt take them for granted.  That I actually noticed them and how full the sky is with them.

 

When I came to Waterloo is when I noticed the lack of sky.  The glow of the city street lights used to make me excited because it meant the long drive from my place to Trav's was almost over.  But now I notice that I hardly see any stars, and on an overcast, rainy night like tonight, the orange reflective glow and the splash of cars through puddles remind me of life under the shield in Highlander II.  It is never really dark here.  Thankfully unlike that horrific vision of the future, we actually have beautiful days and I try to notice them for more than just their lack of precipitation.

( Well enough waxing poetic... )

I thought I was done waxing poetic.  If I wasnt before, I sure am now. It's 1am and I have a long day ahead.  Goodnight dear FL.

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